THE KILLER SHREWS

Review contributed by new panel member, Dr. Niemann.

To say Ray Kellogg’s THE KILLER SHREWS (1959) was shot on a low budget is as much as an understatement as saying WATERWORLD is a tad silly. Indeed, most of the film could have been filmed in the backyard of any house in rural Texas. The plot is based around the old deserted-island motif, where yet another misguided scientist (Baruch Lumet), experimenting with a growth hormone, has inadvertently increased the size and appetite of otherwise tiny shrews (definition: Any of various small, chiefly insectivorous mammals of the family Soricidae, resembling a mouse but having a long pointed snout and small eyes and ears).

RING OF DARKNESS

Let’s get right to it: the opening kill scene of RING OF DARKNESS features a kid being attacked and eaten by a crazed boy band.  Yes, you read that correctly, a crazed BOY BAND.  And then what plays over the opening credits?  A montage featuring the boy band trying their best impression to imitate the Backstreet Boys.  I should stop watching right now, shouldn’t I?  Instead, I decide to put on the hard hat, punch my card and go to work…And work it is.  I can say that, without a doubt, RING OF DARKNESS is the worst horror movie I have reviewed thus far. 

ZOMBIE

Review contributed by new panel member, Hateful Jock.

Anyone who loves to spend hours looking at the covers of newly released DVD boxes at the video store has noticed a slick little box with the word ZOMBIE on the cover. It depicts the city of New York being overrun by zombies with nice shiny detail and a friendly cream background. The cover fills your mind with great ideas of what the box may hold. Perhaps there is a scene of screaming zombies descending upon a frightened civilization unable to fight off the bloodthirsty demons now threatening their very existence. Or maybe there is an epic battle where the humans use mortar shells and flamethrowers to no avail and are eventually overcome and torn apart by the sheer mass of the living dead.

SLEEPAWAY CAMP 3: TEENAGE WASTELAND

Our favorite camp killer (yes more than Jason), Angela Baker, is back in the third installment of the SLEEPAWAY CAMP series and once again, it’s so bad it’s good!  So here’s the thing with sequels - for the most part, you know the identity of the killer in advance so the true creativity and originality must come in the way each victim meets his doom.  I won’t spoil any of the kills that await you upon viewing SLEEPAWAY CAMP 3, but let’s just say that I appreciate the time, thought and creativity put into them.  And that’s not the only thing you’ll enjoy about this movie.

SLEEPAWAY CAMP 2: UNHAPPY CAMPERS

Every good horror movie deserves a sequel and the 80’s classic SLEEPAWAY CAMP has thankfully delivered a second helping.  I love 80’s movies, especially 80’s horror movies because the characters can basically do whatever they want.  A character can deliver the cheesiest lines imaginable and you can’t get mad at him because, hey, it’s an 80’s movie.  If a hot, busty blond wants to jump into the pool wearing a white t-shirt with no bra, she will do so. If some guy campers want to conduct a panty raid, it’s not lame if it’s in the 80’s.  If some hot campers want to lounge around in their underwear, it’s normal.  All of the above is featured in this movie.

SLEEPAWAY CAMP

One night my friend and I entered a video store determined to rent the movie with the cheesiest cover we could find. Before long, we found our winner - SLEEPAWAY CAMP. On this box, there is neither a description of a movie nor any shots from the film.  Instead the box is a simple handwritten letter from a child to his parents, describing camp and the fact that there is a killer on the loose.  Are you ready for my favorite part?  The kid doesn't get a chance to finish the letter since the killer interrupted him mid-sentence and all that’s left is a trail of blood.  What started out as a winner in the cheesiest cover contest became our unintended introduction to a classic horror trilogy.

THE STUFF

This movie was single-handedly responsible for both scarring my psyche and showing me the deadliness of…yogurt (a.k.a. “THE STUFF”). Foolishly, I always thought the worst my little cup of Danon’s Mixed Berry could deliver would be a mild yeast infection.  A movie about a yeast infection would be scarier than this classic 1980's attempt at riding the coattails of The Blob.  An attempt, might I add, that missed by a mile.

PHANTOM OF THE OPERA

It may seem like a distant memory to many of us, but back in the late 80s there was actually a bit of a Phantom of the Opera craze.   Andrew Lloyd Webber’s musical just hit Broadway and junior high school girls all over the country obsessively listened to their soundtrack audiotapes, thinking it romantic to be wooed by a hideously disfigured freak.   In those days, infamous horror and action schlock producer Menachem Golan decided to cash in with an R-rated horror version of the movie.   The result is THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA starring Robert Englund (best known as Freddy Kreuger) as Erik, the Phantom – and it’s good for many an unintentional laugh.

DRACULA 3000

We all love bad movies. I don’t care who you are: from the movie snob (“I will only watch movies from countries whose name I cannot pronounce”) to the film purist (“anything made after 1944 is crap”), we all are drawn to these guilty pleasures. Maybe it’s that feeling of empowerment (“Jeez I could have done better”) or maybe it’s just that innate desire to see a train wreck. We watch these films even though we know they suck donkey balls, but we still feel compelled to watch them when they are cable or even worse…we buy them on DVD. I love Jaws 3. I mean the idea of a shark attacking an amusement park balances that tight rope of brilliance and stupidity. And that’s why we love them; it’s the line that they almost cross that keeps us watching. Then there are those films that not only cross the line, but they have sniffed it and are looking to do a long jump over it.  DRACULA 3000 is such a film.

OFFICE KILLER

Okay, so I watched this one because it was released in 1997 and featured Molly Ringwald and Michael Imperioli. So you get Ringwald after her prime “Breakfast Club” days and Imperioli before he went on to his career-defining role as “Christo-fah” on the Sopranos. And when well-known actors get together in their “off-prime” years, the result is often pretty funny.

LEPRECHAUN

Here’s a scenario I’m sure you’re familiar with: you're browsing through the video store and you see a whole bunch of sequels to a movie (e.g. WARLOCK 3, 5, 8, etc.) You think: “What film is worthy enough to inspire sequels in the double digits?” and suddenly an urge comes across you to watch the original. That's what happened when I looked upon the shelf and saw the LEPRECHAUN saga. Perhaps inspired by Opening Kill’s recent review of the sequel LEPRECHAUN: BACK TO THA HOOD, I decided to check out the very first movie of the series. The conclusion? Not only was this garbage not worthy of sequels, it may not be worthy of shelf-space in a video store. It has only two redeeming features: one truly inventive death, and indisputable evidence that Jennifer Aniston can't act in any role other than Rachel Green.

HORROR OPEN THREAD

What's the worst horror movie you've seen recently?   Give us some scoop, the worse the better.

LOVE OBJECT

Yet another tagline that cannot possibly be ignored: A sex doll becomes jealous when its owner has a relationship with his co-worker. C’mon, now you have to admit that is a pretty clever idea and right off the bat gives the movie bonus points. Like a flashy cover at the video store, an irresistible tagline lures in suckers like me who think a good tagline will translate into a good movie. Not so in this instance.

CHOPPING MALL

Let me preface this review by stating no movie on earth could ever actually live up to a title as deliriously wonderful and perfect as CHOPPING MALL. In two words, we get the plot of the film, the setting, as well as a promise of gore and humor all mixed in together. Kudos to the creators for such a fantabulous title. The question left to answer is: does the film itself live up to the title? Sadly, not even close.

LEPRECHAUN: BACK 2 THA HOOD

I know it’s never a good idea to watch a sequel before seeing the original, but I figured it wouldn’t be too difficult to pick up the plot of LEPRECHAUN: BACK 2 THA HOOD and I was right. I know this site isn’t the forum for serious societal discussions, but I must say that the scariest part of this movie is how such a talented cadre of African American actors can be assembled for a movie about a Leprechaun who gets pissed off when you take his gold. Someone get these actors in a real movie! And now I will step off my soap box...

UNCLE SAM

Sometimes a tag-line is enough to get me to want to see a movie. With JACK FROST, it was, “He’s chillin’…and killin’!” I didn’t think much could outdo that clever slogan, but UNCLE SAM came close with the tag-line, “I want you…dead!” UNCLE SAM proves that the formula of taking beloved figures and turning them into murderous freaks is still a viable source for good, shlock horror. I’ve seen movies about Santa Claus, Frosty the Snowman and now Uncle Sam. Here’s an idea: how about a horror series with famous biblical characters: MOSES: “Here are my ten commandments…thou shall die!” Anyone with me? Oh well, let’s see how UNCLE SAM did.

ANDY WARHOL'S DRACULA (a.k.a. BLOOD FOR DRACULA)

There are some sick people in the world, and, thank God, more often than not they end up in filmmaking. The 1974 film ANDY WARHOL’S DRACULA, in which the late Mr. Warhol only played the role of producer, is sick, twisted, sexist, misogynistic, bloody, and poorly acted. Which is to say: it’s fantastic.

EARTH V. THE SPIDER

EARTH VS. THE SPIDER – now that’s a name that screams “This is a bad, bad movie”. Add in a cast of has beens, and I had no choice but to rent it: Dan Akroyd plays a detective, John Cho, the Asian “MILF” dude from American Pie and Harold & Kumar plays a comic book store owner and finally, last, but certainly not least…Devon Gummersall. Who is Devon Gummersal, you ask?

NOT LIKE US

Classic horror maven Roger Corman spent his career creating an empire of garbage with his “Roger Corman Presents…” label. He attaches his name as an executive producer to anywhere from 10-20 films a year, churning out horror movies like they’re widgets. I decided to take a look at Corman’s NOT LIKE US from 1995. Something tells me that Corman’s business acumen far exceeds his horror acumen as NOT LIKE US felt very slapped together and was at times a real snoozer. However, there is one scene that had my eyes leaping out of my skull. Read on…

MONSTER MAN

Sometimes an absurdist horror movie can be a welcome relief from a formulaic one. However, when the absurdity itself is just thrown in carelessly, it actually harms the material more than it helps it. MONSTER MAN is a movie that is largely formulaic, yet director/writer Michael Davis inserts random moments of absurdity in the hopes that his zaniness will be recognized as uniqueness. The end result is mixed.

THE GRANNY

Once in awhile, you fall ass-backwards into a terrifically bad horror movie. You know the scene: 11:45 P.M flipping through the channels, then next thing you know you’re on one of those extra Cinemax channels and you’re watching a horror movie called THE GRANNY. Wait, that happened to you too? Well, I’m glad it happened to me, because this horror-comedy was pretty good fun.

MINER'S MASSACRE (a.k.a. CURSE OF THE 49'er)

Nothing kills a horror movie more than being mediocre.   A horror movie can be fantastic, or it can suck.   And at least with suckage, the campiness level tends to increase to a point at which we can revel in the ridiculousness of the plot or the horrendously cheesy lines.   Sadly MINER’S MASSACRE doesn’t suck nearly enough.  It’s just average.  So being a glass half-full kind of guy, I’ll try to pick out the bright spots.

DOLLS

Before Chucky and all its various rip-offs, there was the movie that originated the doll-as-homicidal-maniac premise: 1987’s aptly-named DOLLS.   As far as shlock horror movies go, this one comes with an impressive pedigree – particularly in the case of its director, Stuart Gordon.  Gordon directed the classics THE RE-ANIMATOR and FROM BEYOND, so I had high expectations for DOLLS.  While it wasn’t as good as those other cult classics, this one still entertained me with its mix of humor and gore.

DO YOU WANNA KNOW A SECRET?

When I saw that this movie featured former child/teen star Joey Lawrence…oh, pardon me, Joseph Lawrence, I knew I should have stayed away.  Yet its potential for sheer awfulness had me intrigued.  Having seen it, I’ll tell you a secret:  I would rather be tied up with my eyelids pulled back “Clockwork Orange”-style while sitting in front of a television that plays Blossom reruns on a continuous loop than have to suffer watching this movie ever again.  I would even watch those episodes that were prefaced with “Next, on a very special Blossom”.