This movie was single-handedly responsible for both scarring my psyche and showing me the deadliness of…yogurt (a.k.a. “THE STUFF”). Foolishly, I always thought the worst my little cup of Danon’s Mixed Berry could deliver would be a mild yeast infection. A movie about a yeast infection would be scarier than this classic 1980's attempt at riding the coattails of The Blob. An attempt, might I add, that missed by a mile.
White was more fashionable for the eighties and it sure does seem to go well with belted dresses and bangles. Don Johnson pulled off the white suit and I don’t think you anyone can pull off the white spandex jumpsuit, but Richard Simmons, well, he wore one. Cocaine is white and that was 80’s. And then we have our beloved yogurt, which hit its height in the 80’s. Those were the days when people weren’t as knowledgeable of lactose intolerance and models were used to promote the health benefits of this tasty portable treat. Can you tell I am stalling? This movie is that bad.
You gotta love it when the FBI and a lone kid no one else believes must team up to solve a mystery, especially to solve a mystery of killer yogurt. The mystery to me is that the Stuff is the best actor in the film – it’s versatile as it takes on multiple forms, it has the ability to control your brain, and best of all it can smother you. The Stuff also makes friends with people and attacks dogs as well as humans.
If this film has taught me anything, and believe me, it has, it is that if two miners discover some strange substance bubbling up from the ground, it's always a good idea to eat it (No, please go ahead, I'm sure it's fine). Secondly, always match your ensemble to the sludge chasing you; it just makes for a good movie. Third, exploit children for their labor and the FBI will reward you for saving them money. Finally, and probably most importantly, desserts can kill. Never let your guard down around a dessert. When you least expect it, they will overthrow the government and make slaves of us all…or at least make us zombie-like creatures.
A major plus is that several well-known stars (Paul Sorvino and Danny Aiello) participate in making this already atrocious film, even more of a bomb. What really put this baby to bed were the special effects. Basically, they get extra mileage out of the same special effect - The Stuff expands the head of the victim, his mouth widens and it comes pouring out of every orifice. I saw that once at a party when someone mixed marshmallows and too many aperitifs. Those stains never did come out and neither will the shameful stains of this B movie classic.
So, if you're hungry for something that just might not stay down, give THE STUFF a try. But be forewarned, much like Wow! Brand potato chips containing Olestra, it is known to cause severe stomach discomfort, anal leakage and the loss of about an hour and a half of your time.
Rating: * (out of four)
Buy THE STUFF ON DVD