BLOOD SURF

The plot summary of this movie was enough to catch my attention: A giant saltwater crocodile wreaks havoc on some surfers. Combine that premise with the wonderful title of the movie, and the real question becomes: how could I NOT watch this one? BLOOD SURF gave me everything I was expecting: bad special effects, cheesy dialogue and some truly bad acting. And I had a lot of fun with this one. Wow, am I a masochist or what? Hey, some people like whips and chains, I like bad horror movies.  Pick your poison.

The movie begins with Johnny, a wheeling and dealing producer, who has brought his wife and two young stud surfers (Bogg and Jeremy) to a shark-infested island off the coast of Florida. He wants to get some footage of surfers surfing next to the sharks (“blood surfing”, he calls it). Johnny seems to believe that having a few clips of guys surfing near sharks will lead to instant wealth and fame, which didn’t make much sense to me, but then again I am watching a movie about a killer crocodile, so I’ll just shut up now.

An old Asian couple helps them attract a number of sharks by throwing meat and blood into the ocean. First surprise of the movie: the sharks actually don’t look low budget at all. The guys surf it up and are nearly attacked by a shark, but even more eerie, as they stand on the beach, they notice a huge splash, followed by a large pool of blood in the ocean (cue JAWS music: dah-dum….dah-dum….).

Turns out a 30 foot salt water crocodile patrols this patch of the ocean. Instead of leaving, as any non-bad-horror-movie-character would, Johnny instead hooks up with a crazy dude who has a personal vendetta to kill the croc. And of course Johnny sees dollar bills in his eyes. A 2 minute video of guys surfing near sharks AND a saltwater crocodile? This guy is going to be rolling in cash like Scrooge McDuck!

My favorite part of this movie centers on the poor development of the relationships. Bogg has a casual hookup with a girl named Lemia and when she suddenly goes missing, you would think you were watching BRAVEHEART or something. “Lemia!” he screams as if he has known her for her whole life. Later on, he toasts her: “Too Lemia!,” he says dramatically with a stern jaw, as he fights back the tears. Oh Lemia, I hardly knew ye. That must have been one mind-blowing roll-in-the-hay. The other funny relationship involves Jeremy and Johnny’s wife. When Johnny becomes crocodile meat (oh yeah, spoiler, oops), his wife (now widow) says “Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy” and then she immediately proceeds to make out with Jeremy. Smooth.

BLOOD SURF is nothing to write home about, but it fits most of the criteria for a fun time watching a genuinely bad horror movie. In particular, the special effects on the crocodile are pretty low budget. It looks like a huge rubber toy and at one point when it is chasing Jeremy, the director moves to a widescreen shot and it looks like the crocodile is being pulled on a cart, which it probably is. Very very funny. Enjoy yourself.

RATING: *** (out of four)