NIGHT OF THE DEMONS 2: ANGELA'S REVENGE

This sequel to the awful original NIGHT OF THE DEMONS is ranks up there with the GODFATHER PART 2 and EMPIRE STRIKES BACK as a sequel that improves upon the original.  I also defy you to find anywhere else in the world where NIGHT OF THE DEMONS 2 is compared to a GODFATHER film.   This movie fits into the perfect category in terms of bad horror movies: the zero-brain-power category. I mean, seriously, this movie really requires no thinking on your part at all.  Granted, most don't, but this one sets new standards.  Or, at least, lowers them.

POPCORN

Frequent readers know what suckers we are for tag lines.  With a tag line like, "Buy a bag, go home in a box," you can't go wrong.  Actually, that’s not true.  In fact, in most cases Opening Kill and I get suckered in by some great tag line and the movie turns out to be terrible.  That wasn’t the case for POPCORN, which is a tremendously entertaining b-horror exercise.  Is it scary?  Not in the least.  Is it preposterous?  Absolutely.   Will you have a good time?  Guaranteed.

JEEPERS CREEPERS 2

Okay, I got lazy and didn’t feel like heading to the video store, so instead I consulted the wise old sage named “Cinemax” for my horror flick fix. I found JEEPERS CREEPERS 2, which admittedly has a high budget considering the movies typically reviewed by this site. What a great tagline: “Every 23rd Spring for 23 days it gets to eat.” For some reason that line sounds cool. I know it prompts the question “Why every 23rd spring and Why for 23 straight days?” Think of the Creeper as those annoying Cicadas, except he waits an additional 6 years before gracing us with his presence. This also prompts the inevitable quagmire that future Creepers installments will take place so far in the future that characters will most likely fight the beast-man off with laser beams and photon guns. 

SLASH

When we set out to watch the worst horror movies imaginable, I thought I would be watching lots of those 80’s “so bad they’re good” types.  Recently, however, I have run into an entirely different beast: the decent production value, decently-shot, usually released post 1995, horribly written and devoid of any camp value whatsoever horror movie (you have to admit, that was an impressive run-on sentence).  Those are the types of movies that make this a job, instead of a hobby.  I feel like a garbage man sifting through a gigantic landfill, hoping to find treasure. Sometimes you get lucky, but more often than not, you find the banana peel (and the mushy, rotten variety at that).

BLOODY MURDER 2

The set-up: a summer camp staffed by young, randy camp counselors.  No actually campers in sight (they’re closing up for the summer).   A masked killer inexplicably terrorizes the camp.  Yes, you’ve got it, this is the movie that features that infamous killer…Trevor Moorehouse?  But of course, who were you thinking about?   If it strikes you that BLOODY MURDER 2 is a rip-off of another well-known horror series, you’re not wrong. In fact, it’s so blatant a rip-off at one point I expected the filmmakers to acknowledge it by having a character to say, “You know, that Trevor Moorehouse reminds me of Jason in the FRIDAY THE 13th movies.” They never go quite that far, but there is certainly plenty to keep your attention.

BLOOD SURF

The plot summary of this movie was enough to catch my attention: A giant saltwater crocodile wreaks havoc on some surfers. Combine that premise with the wonderful title of the movie, and the real question becomes: how could I NOT watch this one? BLOOD SURF gave me everything I was expecting: bad special effects, cheesy dialogue and some truly bad acting. And I had a lot of fun with this one. Wow, am I a masochist or what? Hey, some people like whips and chains, I like bad horror movies.  Pick your poison.

THE MANGLER

Once and awhile (or in this site’s case, quite frequently), a movie comes along whose premise is so ridiculous that you have to rent it.  If for no other reason, just because you want to see for your own eyes how such a ludicrous plot can sustain a movie for 90 minutes.  THE MANGLER, a film about (drumroll, please) a killer industrial laundry machine, clearly is one of those movies.  Based upon the Stephen King short story that is shorter than this review will be, someone rolled the dice on making this thing and to be honest, I am somewhat impressed with the result.

THE UNNAMABLE

THE UNNAMABLE is a true stinker.  So crappy.  So incredibly awful.  I am trying to find the words, but it’s hard.  This movie is almost unreviewable.   It’s unbelievable how unbearable THE UNNAMABLE is.  More? Um…it’s unenjoyable.  Unwatchable.  Okay, I’m tapped out. One of my buddies and I were initially attracted to this film in the video store for two reasons: 1) It has a really cool cover (I’m a sucker for a cool cover) and 2) it is supposedly based on a story by H.P. Lovecraft, which hinted at a bit of quality. Well, don't let either fact fool you the way we were fooled as this film is the definition of shoddy.  And while in many cases an extremely bad movie can be so bad that it’s humorous, we had no such luck with THE UNNAMABLE.

MONSTER DOG (a.k.a. LEVIATAN)

Contributed by our panelist member, The Heavy Breather.

I rented MONSTER DOG one year on New Years’ Eve when a group of friends and I decided we didn’t feel like going out and watching intelligent people we ordinarily love and respect burp the alphabet and knock each other down on the dance floor. It seemed like it could be a real winner. Let’s just say that the following New Year I went out in full force. Not only did I burp the alphabet, I was the alphabet. Witnesses tell me I freaked a man wearing a poncho on the dance floor and then puked on myself. Did the scarring memory of MONSTER DOG’S awfulness fuel this self-destructive debauchery? Let’s examine, shall we?

LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT

With all the hoopla surrounding Wes Craven, the alleged king of modern horror, I thought I'd take a stroll down memory lane into the past endeavors of Mr. Craven. So why not start at the beginning? His first, and still most controversial film, is LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT. A revenge tale which is oh, so 70s, this film is pretty much hated by most of the critical and sane world. However, it is interesting to note that Roger Ebert loved it and highly recommends the film. My conclusions were somewhat mixed, but maybe after I tell you a bit more of the plot you can decide if it’s something that appeals to you.   It probably will, you sick sick bastard…

WITCHBOARD: THE POSSESSION

As with so many movies reviewed on Absolute Horror, WITCHBOARD: THE POSSESSION happened to be on Cinemax one night when I was channel surfing.  You may be wondering at this point if we reviewers have lives outside our living rooms as so many of our reviews start this way.  The truth is the world needs us to watch this crap so we can review it for our loyal readers.  The ladies, the paparazzi, the fans all want us out hitting the town, but we force ourselves to stay firmly planted on our couches for your sake.   Having said that, I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed WITCHBOARD: THE POSSESSION.  That is, until it hit the one hour mark…

MY LITTLE EYE

Contrary to the title, this film is not about a superfluous small eye located on someone’s forehead that sees horrible events before they unfold (I really shouldn’t drink when I write these things).  There’s always something that initially draws you to a bad horror movie: maybe it’s the chance to see has-been celebrities starving for a paycheck, maybe the DVD box is particularly eye-catching or maybe the premise is high concept.  Very rarely, do I encounter the third one, but I did in the case of MY LITTLE EYE, a movie in which five contestants enter a Reality Webcast in which they will each win $1 Million dollars if they can simply spend 6 months in a house.  Here’s the catch: If any one of the six contestants leaves the house, everyone loses!   I love the concept because with the entire glut of reality TV shows, it’s about time a horror filmmaker (and a good one at that) creatively weaves a plot:  “It’s BIG BROTHER with blood.”

THE UNBORN

Aaah, turn it off!” 

“No, you can’t turn it off, you must finish this movie for the sake of the readers of Absolute Horror.”

“But it’s just so awful!  Must…finish…movie.”

What you have just read was a dramatization of the voices in my head as I counted down the wasted minutes of my life watching THE UNBORN.   I know what you’re thinking, with a name like this it sounds like an anti-abortion instructional video.   But THE UNBORN does make a strong argument for birth control – not to mention the “off” button on your remote.   

VLAD

Remember in 1997 when tween-age girls from around the world were lining up around the block to see TITANIC?   So many, in fact, that the director, producers, and many principal actors of the movie were given huge bonuses by the studio.  Well, judging by his appearance in VLAD, a straight-to-video piece of garbage about a modern day search for the history of the “real” Dracula, Zane must have attended the MC Hammer School of Investing.  Remember that Chris Rock joke about sending a check to actors you feel bad for?  Let’s just say that if I had Zane’s address, I would flip a coin between sending a $50 to Billy Zane or Wild Life Rescue.

CLASS OF 1999 II: THE SUBSTITUTE

Well, here I go again, watching sequels before the original.  CLASS OF 1999 II: THE SUBSTITUTE.  In the first five or six minutes, I understood what happened in the original:  Professor Bob Forest created military battle androids programmed with a Cruela Deville-like sense of maintaining discipline.  Obviously the droids went ape-shit and started killing students.  The students prevailed and it was assumed that all of the droids were destroyed…

THE AWFUL DR. ORLOFF

Contributed by our panelist member, Hateful Jock.

It is hard in film, or in any discipline really, to argue who did what first. Herschell Gordon Lewis says he was the first man to use gore in cinema and we find out that the Japanese were doing it years before and better (see JIGOKU). We can never say anything for sure but I'm saying this for sure. This is a proclamation that the very first medical horror movie as we understand them today (You DR. CALIGARI people can sit down) is, THE AWFUL DR. ORLOFF.

HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP (1980)

I have long contended that NIGHT OF THE CREEPS (review forthcoming) is the ultimate in entertaining bad horror.  For years I was unable to find something to match its mix of humor (intended and otherwise), poor special effects, and all around bad horror-ness.  Until now.   HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP, a 1980 Roger Corman-produced effort (he followed it later with an unnecessary re-make) is among the worst horror movies you will ever see.  And it deserves every one of its four stars.

SHREDDER

We chose the name “Absolute Horror” for this website for a reason.  The word “Absolute” is defined as “Perfect in quality or nature; complete”, while the word “Horror” is defined as “An intense, painful feeling of repugnance and fear.”  The two terms seem to be inapposite, but in reality we seek the Absolute Horror – those movies that are so terrible that they achieve perfection.  One Absolute Horror that exists outside of the horror realm is the television show FULL HOUSE.  From the opening song, to the cheesy character intros and to the perfect one-liners that have emerged: “Okay dude!” “How rude!”, Full House meets all the requirements.  So, we all know what the Olsen Twins are up to, Bob Saget has been on Entourage and the movie “The Aristocrats”, Dave Coulier was on “The Surreal Life”, John Stamos is now without Rebecca Romjin, Candace Cameron married a hockey player, but what about Scott Weinger, the voice of Aladdin and Cameron’s boyfriend Steve?  AbsoluteHorror.com has found him.

JACK FROST

“What? JACK FROST?!” You're asking yourselves now, “Why is he reviewing a family film?” My gut response to that question is to say that I couldn’t get tickets for HERBIE: FULLY LOADED so I took the next best Michael Keaton movie. But then my next response will be to slap you firmly across the face with an open palm, leaving a bright red round mark soon to be wet with tears streaming over it. No, you sick fool, not that JACK FROST!   

WRONG TURN

We generally try to shy away from movies that were released in the theaters, and to be honest, I didn’t realize that WRONG TURN was anything but a straight-to-video. I guess the signs were there: Good production value, Eliza Dushku (hot off of “Bring It On”), Jeremy Sisto (of “Six Feet Under” fame) and a somewhat interesting premise: Cannibal Inbreeds living on an isolated patch of land up in the mountains trap and eat tourists who opt to take a shortcut through their dirt road. If it was released in the theaters, it must have left quicker than “Ishtar,” because I certainly don’t remember it.

HELLFIRE

Look up HELLFIRE in a cookbook and you’ll see this recipe:

1 intriguing premise.
1 has-been former A-list actor.
1 extremely attractive lead actress.
3 overweight busty women revealing their goods.
9 parts violence.
1 low-budget, but still decent-looking set.
Bake for 80 minutes.

Result = 1 truly terrible, but still entertaining movie ready to serve unsuspecting fools.