When we set out to watch the worst horror movies imaginable, I thought I would be watching lots of those 80’s “so bad they’re good” types. Recently, however, I have run into an entirely different beast: the decent production value, decently-shot, usually released post 1995, horribly written and devoid of any camp value whatsoever horror movie (you have to admit, that was an impressive run-on sentence). Those are the types of movies that make this a job, instead of a hobby. I feel like a garbage man sifting through a gigantic landfill, hoping to find treasure. Sometimes you get lucky, but more often than not, you find the banana peel (and the mushy, rotten variety at that).
SLASH is a movie that makes MINER’S MASSACRE look like MR. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON. The basic plot centers on a rock band that is forced to go back to the childhood farm of the lead singer (Mac, played by James O’Shea) when his aunt dies. Upon arrival, they are met by Mac’s father, who greets his Mac with a shotgun, and threatens to kill him. Finally, he lowers the shotgun down and through his dark yellow teeth says “I’m just yankin’ yer chain,” which clearly was meant to be his creepy tag-line as he uses it about 10 times throughout the movie. Oh the wit.
Clearly this farm setting is meant to set up a scary location for some horror to go down. When Mac was young, he saw his grandfather die in a fire and a strange scarecrow idol was left behind after the fire. Upon returning home with the band, Mac and the gang are terrorized by a Scarecrow man wielding a scythe. Connection? Who knows (and who cares)?
The acting is so bad in this movie that you just want to cry. The only mildly redeeming quality is that the movie opens with the rock band playing their music and it looks as hackneyed as the rock performances by Zack, Screech and Slater on SAVED BY THE BELL. However, that is not a reason to go near this movie…don’t even think I am letting you rent this one. I’m here to help you, not hurt you.
What else is there to say about this movie? Well, the actors do look similar to some famous actors so let’s play that game. James O’Shea is what you would get if you combined Timothy Olyphant and Peter Krause. O’Shea is pretty ripped so the director makes sure he gets his mileage out of his star by having him appear shirtless in the majority of the scenes. Milan Murray looks like Rosario Dawson if you added about 15 lbs and slapped her lightly with an ugly stick – not too hard now because Murray is okay looking. You don’t get to see her naked nor is there any nudity in the whole movie, so I award this movie zero nudity bonus points and ask it to sit in the naughty corner.
SLASH is never actually scary. The Scarecrow is boring, never deviating from the slashing of his scythe as his method of killing. I would go on, but suffice it to say, please stay far away from this movie.
Rating: ½ * (out of four)