THE UNNAMABLE is a true stinker. So crappy. So incredibly awful. I am trying to find the words, but it’s hard. This movie is almost unreviewable. It’s unbelievable how unbearable THE UNNAMABLE is. More? Um…it’s unenjoyable. Unwatchable. Okay, I’m tapped out. One of my buddies and I were initially attracted to this film in the video store for two reasons: 1) It has a really cool cover (I’m a sucker for a cool cover) and 2) it is supposedly based on a story by H.P. Lovecraft, which hinted at a bit of quality. Well, don't let either fact fool you the way we were fooled as this film is the definition of shoddy. And while in many cases an extremely bad movie can be so bad that it’s humorous, we had no such luck with THE UNNAMABLE.
Here’s the story, which got off to a promising start. The film begins in the 17th-Century in a New England home. Here, some woman has apparently given birth to a monstrosity of evil, which then proceeds to kill everyone in the house and is ultimately trapped there for all time. Luckily this home is deep in the woods far from prying eyes, so this monster shouldn’t do much harm. We know better.
Enter the 20th Century. We are introduced to two “college” guys, Charles and Randolph. One is a geeky nerdy type and the other a haughty, brainy dude who is really about 40 and tries to speak in an English accent (remember, folks, he's a college student). Anyways, they find the house one day and amazingly, these are the first two people ever to come across this rather large house in three-hundred years. Charles and Randolph then do a bit of digging and discover the house has an evil past. So let me get this straight: no one has stumbled across this house in hundreds of years, and yet there is literature readily available in the local library about its history.
Back on campus, two naive idiot freshman girls are sitting around deciding how to become popular. Before you know it, two wannabe-Republican guys wearing their sweaters drooped around their shoulders come over and try an extraordinarily original pick-up line on the women: "Hey, babes, we're the college's official welcoming committee and for initiation you have to spend the night with us in a haunted house." The screenwriter of this movie should have all of his fingers chopped off so the world doesn’t have to suffer through lines like that ever again.
As you might guess, the four preppy tools end up spending the night in the house...the very same night the two geeky tools examine the house. It’s a veritable cornucopia of toolness. Of course, they run into the monster, the thing, well I don't know what to call it because it is THE UNNAMABLE. How poor. How poor. After long drawn out scenes of the six students walking around in the dark (always a smart idea in horror movies, right?) there's a bit of violence and it all culminates in a weak special effects fest which I could of done with ten bucks and a jar of play-dough.
People, whatever you do, don't rent THE UNNAMABLE. Don’t even look at THE UNNAMABLE. A piss-poor saga of lameness, this movie is both bad and unentertaining (yes, I found another “un” word!), which is a deadly combination. Perhaps the most illuminating aspect of how poorly constructed this film is might be the fact that there are NO other college students during the campus scenes other than the actors. In fact, there really isn't much of a campus, so it might have been filmed anywhere. Featuring dialogue with all the wit of a bowling ball, terrible special effects, and basically little action, I'd choose a prostate exam over THE UNNAMABLE.
RATING: Pure Dung.