I must really like you people. No I’m being serious, there is some sick, warped goings on in my head that makes me endure great hardship and woeful times just so I can entertain you, the readers. This happens to be one of those times.
I had watched HOUSE OF THE DEAD early last year and I hated it. I knew I did. But since I feel I must do right by my audience I decided to watch it again with fresh eyes. I now wish I could gouge out said eyes. The story is as follows: a group of teens are going to the rave of the century on an island called “Island of the Dead”…hmmmmm…I wanted to throw my last birthday party at Disemboweled Park but I couldn’t get the permits. Anyway, they pay some wrinkly old fisherman to get them there and when they arrive the place is a massacre, it’s deserted and there are signs that terrible things have happened. So what do they do? They dance and party!!!! Yes apparently like the kids in SWING KIDS, when terrible things are afoot, you dance your troubles away.
So as you may have guessed, zombies start rearing their undead heads and before you know it the kids have decided “maybe getting off the island would be a good idea." So they…oh really who cares, you know the drill. Zombies attack and all hell breaks loose and people die and yadda yadda yadda.
The highlight of the whole film is the 4 hour (that’s what it felt like) battle sequence between the living teens led by the great Jurgen Prochnow (apparently playing the Gordon’s Fisherman’s angrier more drunk cousin) and the zombies. The highlight being the fact that each character (and yes I am including Jurgen) gets his/her own 360 degree camera turn a la the Matrix. Let me say this again for the cheap seats: EVERY SINGLE DAMN CHARACTER GETS HIS/HER OWN 360 DEGREE CAMERA TURN. What makes this worse is that when it happens the characters ended up doing something different in their camera turn than right before. For instance, one girl was shooting the zombies, but when she had her camera turn she was doing martial arts moves with the grace and style of that jedi kid who ended up on the net. Continuity…pffft….that’s for amatuers.
Hey I’m all for blood and gore and good scares but this film has nothing to it. The only thing frightening about this gem is that fact that it got greenlit. This film is more painful than passing a kidney stone (and at least after passing it you are left with something tangible). And this grand opus was brought to you by Uwe (as in Uuuuuweee this film stunk!!!) Boll who has surpassed Paul W.S. Anderson as the most hated filmmaker of all time.
The one and only redeeming this about this whole experience was on the DVD extras. They have this thing called Zombie school where we get to see the actresses train for the film. What made this great was that their training consisted of hunting PA’s made to look like zombies and shooting them with paintball guns. Now I have participated in paintball wars and let me tell you, it hurts like hell when you get hit and I’m wearing gear that’s been used in the Iraq war. These PA’s are wearing nothing more than shorts and tee-shirt, and that is damn funny. So all in all HOUSE OF THE DEAD needs to be buried and never see the light of day and the zombie school feature should be shown instead.
RATING: * (out of four)