MEET THE FEEBLES

Submitting by Absolute Horror Panelist, the 30-Something Senior.

I’m sure I’m not alone when I ask this question.  Have you ever wondered what the Care Bears Movie would have been like directed by David Lynch?  What would have happened if Wes Craven had written for Disney or if John Carpenter had shot The Barney Christmas Special? What if The Devil’s Rejects had hosted an episode of Sesame Street or if Jim Henson had taken that infamous acid trip to Las Vegas instead of Hunter S. Thompson?

Oh wait, Peter Jackson already answered that last one.

ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES! (DIRECTOR'S CUT)

We've all heard of this movie. It has one of the wittiest titles in film history. There are two options one could deduce from the title: (a) the movie takes itself seriously as a horror movie about killer tomatoes, which would potentially be hilarious; or (b) it is a witty satire of horror films which employs horror film clichés in a comedic manner. Well, unfortunately it's not the first. It attempts to be the second, but fails miserably.

MASTERS OF HORROR: CHOCOLATE

The MASTERS OF HORROR series is turning out to be a solid and steady source of decent horror entertainment as the winter months approach.  The latest episode, CHOCOLATE, is probably the least horrific overall, but it has some nice TWILIGHT ZONE elements to it that make it an entertaining hour of television at the very least.   Perhaps its lack of gruesome horror comes from the fact that its director, Mick Garris, is a veteran of primarily television projects - most of those adaptations of Stephen King books (most famously, THE STAND).   

THE HAZING

Who is Rolfe Kanefsky?  You may not know the name, but if you’ve ever stayed up past eleven and turned on Cinemax, you'll know his movies.   Director of such classics as ALIEN EROTICA and the EROTIC MISADVENTURES OF THE INVISIBLE MAN, Rolfe has become a one-man factory of soft-core late night cable flicks.  His move into horror comes with THE HAZING, an incredibly entertaining B-movie gem that is genuinely awful, in the best possible way.

FLESH FOR FRANKENSTEIN aka ANDY WARHOL'S FRANKENSTEIN

Posted by Absolute Horror Panelist, Silent Killer.

One of the great things about writing reviews for this site is that I get to go back and watch films I haven’t seen in a long time. It gives me a chance to possibly see things in the film that I may have missed in previous viewings.  Such is the case with FLESH FOR FRANKSTEIN.  It’s been years since I last laid my eyes on this grand opus.

DAY OF THE DEAD 2: CONTAGIUM

Posted by Absolute Horror panelist, Masked Maniac.

This sequel/prequel has triumphed in being two things: a trashy camp classic and one of the most appalling films ever made. I saw DAY OF THE DEAD 2: CONTAGIUM at the London Frightfest festival which is no doubt the only time it will be privileged with a theatrical screening as it was made for direct-to-video release. I don't know if the organizers of the festival actually watched this before selecting it. It is so hilariously bad, you can only hope that was the intention of directors Ana Clavell and James Dudelson.

THE IRREFUTABLE TRUTH ABOUT DEMONS

Not to be confused with THE TRUTH ABOUT CATS AND DOGS, this New Zealand flick did little to convince me that it really knows the irrefutable truth about demons.  The story of a man and his long-standing feud with a Satanic cult, THE IRREFUTABLE TRUTH ABOUT DEMONS is a slickly-produced 90-minute goth-rock video gone somewhat awry.  That’s not to say that it didn’t have its moments, but despite some scenes assured to offend the faint-at-heart, I felt it wasn’t over-the-top enough.

MASTERS OF HORROR: DANCE OF THE DEAD

You have to admit that the resumes of the directors and writers of the Masters of Horror series on Showtime are very impressive.  Name a famous horror movie and chances are that the director of that movie is a featured contributor to this series.  When I noticed that POLTERGEIST and TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE'S Tobe Hooper was directing an installment of the series called “Dance of the Dead” I expected something great.  Well, unlike most movies reviewed on this site, this movie delivered in a big way.

MASTERS OF HORROR: DREAMS IN A WITCH HOUSE

So far we have a pretty impressive pedigree of directors contributing an hour to the MASTERS OF HORROR series on Showtime.   Now add Stuart Gordon of RE-ANIMATOR and DOLLS fame to the mix, adapting an HP Lovecraft story DREAMS IN THE WITCH HOUSE.  And while this episode has its share of modern touches – gore, nudity, etc. – it also has a bit of an old-fashioned feel to it.   While that came across as goofy at times, I have to admit, I kind of dug it.

TOOLBOX MURDERS

Director Toby Hooper (TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE and POLTERGEIST) has decided to throw his hat into the ring once again with TOOL BOX MURDERS, a slasher murder mystery that takes place in an apartment building full of wanna-be actors who scream bloody murder when practicing their lines or when getting slashed.  Our heroine, played by Angela Bettis, and her husband quickly realize that the apartment building has its, shall we say, evil quirks?  I must say that as far as bad horror movies go, TOOL BOX MURDERS delivers.

MASTERS OF HORROR: JENIFER

Dan and I agreed we would take turns reviewing the Showtime MASTERS OF HORROR series.  After his resounding praise of the premiere episode, I was eager to set my eyes upon another – and I chose Dario Argento’s JENIFER.  It was a somewhat interesting episode and provided some interesting insights into the male psyche, but definitely paled in comparison to INCIDENT.

THE BRAIN EATERS

Posted by panelist, The Hateful Jock.

If you listen carefully to the fun fifties sci-fi film THE BRAIN EATERS you may hear an echo of the legendary mind-bending movie DEMENTIA, DAUGHTER OF HORROR. The latter was made by the one hit wonder, John Parker, but was also produced by everybody's' favorite fat guy from the fifties Bruno VeSota, who took up so much space in so many B-movies directed by Roger Corman, his progeny and his imitators.  He also directed THE BRAIN EATERS and it is obvious he learned some tricks not only from Corman and company, but also from his association with one of the most interesting film efforts to grace the decade of the red scare.  The movie's plot and coherency is marred but by no means is its style or effect.  And when you are operating on a shoestring budget with two weeks of filming at the height of drive-in free for all… style is all you got.

NECRONOMICON: BOOK OF THE DEAD

Most of you probably recognize the word “Necronomicon” from the EVIL DEAD series – certainly that’s how I recognized it.   The Necronomicon is apparently the legendary book of the dead, filled with stories and legends of death that unlock the secret to “the other side.”  I’d like to unlock the secret of how to spell Necronomicon, as I’ve had to back-space a hundred times while writing that damn word.  Anyhow, in this film, we’re introduced to this book by its reader, the famous author H.P. Lovecraft (played by B-movie cult star Jeffrey Combs), and in reading the book we are presented with three different Lovecraft tales.  Anthologies rarely succeed, and despite a surprising amount of money thrown at this one, the result is pretty mixed.

MASTERS OF HORROR: INCIDENT ON AND OFF A MOUNTAIN ROAD

When Showtime announced its MASTERS OF HORROR series just in time for Halloween, you definitely could have colored me skeptical.   It’s not just that Showtime has always been the poorer cousin to HBO, creating generally second-rate shows.  But anthology series often don’t live up to their expectations.  Granted, some of the pedigree involved was pretty impressive, including Dario Argento, John Carpenter, Stuart Gordon, and Tobe Hooper.   Still, the format had me imagining some cheesy horrific set-ups that pull back just when they should take it further.  Well, after watching episode one, color me surprised.  Very surprised.

THE BLOB (1988 Version)

At first, I didn't want to watch this one. I've seen the original and, call me crazy, but something about deadly jello just doesn't scare me. Plus, it’s called The Blob.  I mean, the word just makes me laugh – so any movie with that title can’t be scary, can it? Well, I was wrong. This movie succeeds because it has something very few of the other films I've reviewed has had: a budget.