I reviewed a movie yesterday for this site that was a departure for us in that it was actually a quality horror movie. Well, for those craving a return to crap, welcome back in a big way. VAMPIRES: THE TURNING, which is supposedly a sequel to John Carpenter’s VAMPIRES but has zero connection to it, is so mind-numbingly awful I almost didn’t know what to do with myself. I mean, on one hand, I love terrible horror movies. And a great deal of this movie was hilariously bad, but once that wore off it just got tedious. A BLADE rip-off of the worst kind, VAMPIRES: THE TURNING should be re-named VAMPIRES: THE TURNING OF THE CHANNEL TO, WELL, ANYTHING ELSE.
The plot follows Connor (no last name, like Cher) and his girlfriend to Thailand. In the opening, his girlfriend is so upset by having witnessed a bloody kickboxing match (Connor himself is a trained kickboxer) that she literally breaks up with him. In Thailand. This plot development worried me. What are they going to do about staying in the same hotel room? Will she be able to change flights to get home? Imagine the logistical nightmares!
Don’t worry, because about one minute after the break-up, she’s kidnapped by a vampire biker gang and bitten by one (keep an eye out for the plastic tube spewing the fake blood behind her neck). Connor chases one of the leather-clad vampires down and gets into a kickboxing match with him, but before he can Jean-Claude Van Damme the guy, another vampire-ish Thai dude slices the vampire’s head-off. “Go home, don’t follow me,” the man tells Connor. While saying that, I noticed something – the dubbing was off. Apparently the Thai actors must not have pulled off the English that well, because the whole movie was re-dubbed, and poorly at that. Which, to be fair, was probably the most entertaining aspect of the film. If only one of them had said “Go-zilla!!!!”
Connor, whose whiney voice I can only hope was the actor’s own, approaches everyone from the police to the Slayers, a group of professional vampire killers. Finally he falls in with a rival gang of “good” vampires with whom he works to take on the bad vampires. How do we know they are bad vampires? Because we have an stupefyingly horrendous scene in which the bad vampire gang attends a goth nightclub and bites the necks of innocent girls. Straight out of BLADE. I mean, straight out of BLADE. I almost expected a “courtesy of BLADE” sign to appear on the screen. Although, in its defense, this movie has a Thai heavy-metal band which is clearly not playing the music on the soundtrack. A Thai heavy-metal band in BLADE? I think not.
There is no reason anyone should see VAMPIRES: THE TURNING. I find myself asking myself why I did. It’s not particularly entertaining. It’s certainly not original. There’s no nudity and not even that much gore. Don’t these people understand why we watch these movies? Clearly not.
RATING: * (out of four)