MASTERS OF HORROR: HAECKEL'S TALE

Well, that’s the end of that. Season 1 of Showtime’s MASTERS OF HORROR series comes to a close with the 12^th episode, an adaptation of Clive Barker’s story, HAECKEL’S TALE. As we posted before, there were supposed to be 13 episodes, but Showtime balked at airing Takashi Miike’s IMPRINT, as apparently it was beyond graphic (stay tuned for a review once it gets on DVD). To re-cap the idea of MASTERS OF HORROR, executive producer Mick Garris lured “top” directors by promising them complete creative control, albeit a limited budget. In HAECKEL’S TALE, the limited budget really comes into effect unfortunately, but it’s still an entertaining premise that comes off like a fun episode of CREEPSHOW. But it doesn’t make it good.

THE PIT AND THE PENDULUM (1990)

Many of you horror fans have probably seen one of Roger Corman's many famous film adaptations of Edgar Allan Poe stories. Among them is the original PIT AND THE PENDULUM in which a psychopathic Vincent Price fancies himself as a Spanish Inquisitor. Now comes the updated version, directed by Stuart Gordon of RE-ANIMATOR and DOLLS fame.  Unlike the old 60s version, this one eschews subtlety and leaves little to the imagination.  And that's just the way I like it.

CONDEMNED: CRIMINAL ORIGINS (XBOX 360)

Okay, when Nerdy Victim and I started this site, we wanted to focus on the worst horror movies imaginable and that will continue to be our main focus.  However, when the opportunity arises to review a unique series (Masters of Horror) or a different medium (video games), we are not above (or below) it.  When I picked up my XBOX 360 system in November (yes, I waited 15 hours in the rain at a Manhattan Circuit City), I was excited to see what the next generation of gaming had to offer.  I picked up the war fighter CALL OF DUTY 2 and an NBA basketball game NBA 2K6 among others, but the game that piqued my interest most was SEGA’s horror game entitled CONDEMNED: CRIMINAL ORIGINS.

THE SHAFT (aka DOWN)

My first thought when I saw the title of THE SHAFT was this is definitely some sort of porno movie.  Once I realized that it was, indeed, a horror film, the next question was should I used cheesy Gene Shalit-like puns such as, “you will feel really SHAFT-ed while watching THE SHAFT”?   I can see Horatio Sanz with his fake mustache now.  But who needs comedy when you have this satiric attempt at horror by Dutch director Dick Maas (remaking his own film, DE LIFT)?  The movie, about – you guessed it – a killer elevator – is a campy blend of comedy and horror, which is pretty entertaining as a whole.  But my God – 110 minutes?  That’s 20 minutes more than the maximum allowable horror running length, and you can really feel it.

MASTERS OF HORROR - PICK ME UP

We here at AbsoluteHorror.com are thrilled that Masters of Horror will be returning for a second season.  Even though the series has been hit or miss, in a season of 13 episodes, where 2 episodes are incredible, 6 or 7 are passable and the remainder constitute pure suckage, we call it a victory.  The latest episode, PICK ME UP, directed by Larry Cohen (IT’S ALIVE and THE INVADERS) is one of those passable episodes – you don’t need to run home to watch it, but it will definitely serve as fine entertainment.

News Flash: MASTERS OF HORROR To Return Next Season

Apparently we here at Absolute Horror aren't the only fans of Showtime's MASTERS OF HORROR series.  Word is they will be back for a second season.   Now, in general, this season was definitely hit-or-miss, but the hits were very impressive.  And it was great to see the different styles brought to the show by the different directors.  Rumor has it, many of the same directors will be back next time, with some new ones in the mix.  And they're trying hard to include Rob Zombie and Guillermo del Toro.

This comes on the heels of the news that Showtime will not air the episode submitted by Takashi Miike, director of the infamous AUDITION.  Apparently this episode was just too much to take, involving torture and abortions in graphic detail.  But it will be released to DVD and we hope to take a look at it there.

Anyhow, all in all, we're happy about the return of MASTERS OF HORROR - are you?

AMITYVILLE 3-D

Ed Wood, you have an heir apparent, and his name is Richard Fleischer.   Now, let’s be fair: Mr. Fleischer has had a 50-year career as a director in Hollywood, and was always known as a professional guy.  A man who churned out such hits as FANTASTIC VOYAGE, 20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA, and TORA! TORA! TORA!  But much of his legacy was wiped out when he agreed to take on the third sequel to the AMITYVILLE HORROR series.  Oh dear Lord is this movie just absolutely awful.  But, being the site we are, I am still totally recommending it.  AMITYVILLE 3-D is an easy 90 minutes of unintentional belly-laughs.  The best in bad horror movies indeed.

MASTERS OF HORROR: SICK GIRL

The Showtime MASTERS OF HORROR series rolls on with its latest episode, SICK GIRL – an episode directed by young director Lucky McKee.  Now, McKee has directed two movies in total before he was given the helm of this episode, which hardly qualifies him as a master of horror in the strictest sense of the word.  But I suppose the producers felt he had the talent to become a master of horror.  Judging from the results, the potential is there, but he could use some slightly more horrific plot concepts to take him to the next level.

NIGHTBREED a.k.a. CLIVE BARKER'S NIGHTBREED

Poor Clive Barker. He suffers from what I call, "Early-Stephen-King-Movie-Syndrome." Barker is widely and justifiably praised for his mystical and captivating books. His imagination is limitless and the quality of his works does indeed rival that of Stephen King, occasionally surpassing it. Still, his movies just don't quite live up to the quality of the work. Much like those early films made out of Stephen King novels (CHRISTINE, FIRESTARTER, CUJO, etc.), something is missing in the translation to screen. I think the problem can be traced to two difficulties: the lack of time to develop characters and the desire to show too much. NIGHTBREED, directed by Barker and adopted from his novel, "Cabal," suffers from both, but is still an intriguing film.

CRAWLSPACE

There was a great moment in SOUTH PARK: THE MOVIE in which Kyle, Stan and Cartman search for a certain word on the Internet, only to come across “Sick German Fetish Videos” (starring Cartman's mom of course).  After viewing the video and vomiting, Cartman screams out, “Damn, why are German people so sick?!”  Well, I didn’t vomit (I’ve seen worse), but I did scream out the same question after seeing the 1986 flick CRAWLSPACE.  The movie features a sick German protagonist doing some nasty things.  And while the level of sickness won’t match a “Hostel” or a Takashi Miike film, it’s still adequately disturbing to those who like their horror movies on the dark side. 

MURDER SET PIECES

Submitted by Absolute Horror panelist, Legion

Society in chaos...black and white 35 MM film footage, shot by editor Brendan Flynt, of NYC on that terrible day in September almost five years ago...is the apropos image to begin one of the greatest horror films of all time, perfectly titled MURDER SET-PIECES. Not since William Friedkin's masterpiece of horror THE EXORCIST has a film captured the essence of the terrifying and the profane. Filmmaker Nick Palumbo's simple tale about an anonymous photographer slaughtering beautiful women in the seamy city of Las Vegas enraptured me from the first horrific frame of a bloodied, nude, semi-conscious woman strapped down in a torture chair all the way to the end credits.

MASTERS OF HORROR: FAIR HAIRED CHILD

When Showtime announced their Masters of Horror series, I have to admit that I was very skeptical.  I expected thirteen poorly acted, not scary and boring episodes.  Luckily for fans of horror, the Masters of Horror episodes thus far have run the gamut.  There have been great episodes like Incident on and Off a Mountain Road and Cigarette Burns to the truly awful Jenifer.  This episode is actually worse than JENIFER as it lacks nudity and manages to hit the trifecta of poor acting, terrible writing and a boring premise.  Seriously, you might consider watching a movie on the Hallmark channel before you sit down for this one.

SLEEPSTALKER

A totally random pick from the video store, SLEEPSTALKER has some interesting ideas but never really gets off the ground. The real question is: is this a TV movie? I mean, lots of the things portrayed in it are definitely not made-for-TV stuff.  Yet, on the other hand, there's no real gore, no nudity, and no bad language. What gives?  Read on if you haven't already lost interest.

SKINNED DEEP

Submitted by Absolute Horror panelist 385-horror

I came across this movie reading one of the previous issues of Fangoria. If you are a regular reader, you know that they tend to feature strange movies and SKINNED DEEP is definitely one of the stranger ones. I have managed to watch it twice in a week, first time alone, and the second one with a couple of friends, aficionados of strange cinema.  It starts up as a badly shot TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE wannabe clone, but after about ten minutes of watching, I just opened my mouth in a WTF way and just stared toward my TV.  I was wondering if the author (screenwriter, producer, director all in one person) had a 24/7 week of LSD usage or what? Let's go into some details...

THEY LIVE

A sci-fi/conspiracy film directed by John Carpenter, THEY LIVE! apparently has a bit of a cult following. Watching the film, I can see why it has a cult following and not a popular, mainstream one.  Funny, weird, relatively low-budget, and starring really bad actors, THEY LIVE! is a very entertaining film.

SUBSPECIES

The SUBSPECIES franchise has turned into one of those straight-to-video goldmines, with its producers churning out one after another only to be eaten up by fans of shlock horror.   I thought I’d take the opportunity to visit the first of the series.  My conclusion is that this is actually a pretty cool movie from the fine folks at Full Moon Entertainment, those great people who brought you such classics as PUPPET MASTER and TRANCERS.  Unlike the latter film, this one suffers from not starring Tim Thomerson, but really, doesn’t any movie?  SUBSPECIES is still well worth your investment in time and money.