ALIEN 51

What the hell just happened?  I awoke from the mystifying daze known as ALIEN 51 with that question on my mind.   I have seen more terrible horror movies than your average Joe, but this was just so unfathomably unwatchable that I almost considered hanging up my DVDs and riding into the sunset.  Still, I had to give it a shot – if only to see Heidi Fleiss in her first major acting role.   If it’s not her last major acting role, then please stick a spike in my eye right now because I don’t want to see anymore.

ALIEN 51’s so-called plot involves Phoebe Falconer playing Dr. Cleo Browning.  Wasn’t Dr. Cleo the phone psychic lady?  I digress – something this plot does often as well.  So Cleo goes into retirement after having been involved in government experiments in the desert area known as “Area 51.”  Apparently one of her lab rats, an alien, has escaped captivity and is spreading mayhem and bloodshed as it roams across the desert. 

But wait, there’s more.  This creature apparently is seeking revenge on the scientists like Dr. Cleo who experimented on it.  But then, Cleo gets involved anyway as she’s recruited to stop the creature.  Adding fuel to the fire is Dr. Chase Hoyt as Doctor PsychoBilly, a circus owner who wants the creature for his traveling freak show.   And then…oh, who the hell knows what it’s all about.

What I do know is that the script makes no sense, the audio is often unintelligible, and the acting – well, the acting.  Where to begin?  Let’s start with Ms. Fleiss as the creepy Evelda.  To say she’s channeling Cruella DeVille would be an insult to an animated character.   Speaking of cruel, allow me to be for a second.  Heidi Fleiss does not belong on screen.  Just one too many plastic surgeries gown horribly awry.  She just looks awful.

Surgery gone horribly awry serves as a nice metaphor for this excuse of a movie.  Apparently someone had to spend some money on it, especially for the rubber suit that ultimately appears as the “alien.”  There’s minimal nudity, next to know real gore – and any horror ALIEN 51 generates is purely unintentional.   I see I’m not alone – having noticed the rating on IMDB as 1.8 out of 10.  There is simply no earthly reason for anyone to sit through this movie.  May it go away forever.

RATING: PURE DUNG