THREE, frequently known as SURVIVAL ISLAND, is the kind of movie that made me giddy as a teenager. Essentially nothing more than an excuse for one unbelievably bodacious woman to prance around in a bikini for an hour and a half, this movie will keep your eyes glued to the set for all the wrong reasons. The plot is half-baked, the acting is atrocious (ah, the incomparable Billy Zane), and there is next to no suspense or horror involved. What there is, however, is Kelly Brook in a bikini – and sometimes less than that – for almost the entire screen time. If that doesn’t send you rushing out to check your Showtime Beyond listings, nothing will.
THREE basically follows the plot line of Guy Ritchie’s SWEPT AWAY. And really, if you had to imitate any movie, you’d definitely want it to be that incredibly masterful Madonna movie, right? Brook and Zane (who decided not to shave his head this time, instead resembling David Cross on a good day) are a married couple on a pleasure cruise. Before the cruise sets sail, the hired help, Manuel (Juan Pablo Di Pace), gets into a fight with a girlfriend, leading him to slap her silly. In turn, she promises a curse on his head.
After a few minutes on the boat, Zane and Brook have much needed sex – a scene inter-cut with images of Manuel’s girlfriend casting some sort of voodoo spell. It’s meant to be sexy and mysterious, but believe me, it’s quite funny. Soon enough, a fire breaks out on the boat, marooning Manuel with Brook on an island (survival island?). As far as they know, the others, including Zane, are lost forever.
But luckily for us, they spend little time mourning, and instead devote their energies to racing around in as little clothing as possible. This comes to a head in a magnificent scene in which both get naked and go for a dip. Of course, when Brook comes out, you see the bottom of her bikini is still on – how did that happen? Hey, I’m not complaining, what you do get to see is spectacular.
As you might imagine, soon enough, Zane washes up on shore and Brook immediately races to embrace him. However, she starts to get second thoughts when Zane turns out to much a much worse provider of food and shelter than Manuel. Particularly entertaining is his attempt at catching fish and how he tries to make a meal out of two tiny minnows. Tensions rise and before long Brook and Manuel have passionate sex on the beach.
All, of course, comes to a head in a final showdown that brings back the voodoo theme from earlier. It makes little or no sense, but it’s definitely verging on so bad it’s good territory. Not so much a horror movie as a “psychological thriller,” THREE isn’t even that. It’s little more than an excuse to see three people wearing little clothing running around an island. In particular it’s an excuse for Brook to show off her goods in her little white bikini. And what can I say? It’s an enthralling sight. Bad movie, but a whole lot of fun.
RATING: *** (out of four)