ANDY WARHOL'S DRACULA (a.k.a. BLOOD FOR DRACULA)

There are some sick people in the world, and, thank God, more often than not they end up in filmmaking. The 1974 film ANDY WARHOL’S DRACULA, in which the late Mr. Warhol only played the role of producer, is sick, twisted, sexist, misogynistic, bloody, and poorly acted. Which is to say: it’s fantastic.

First of all, be aware that this film comes in two formats, rated and unrated...I haven't seen the rated version but I have seen the unrated version and couldn't come up with anything worth cutting out. And why, oh why, would you opt for a rated version of any movie, let alone this hilarious re-telling of the Dracula story (although it really has nothing to do with Stoker's novel)? ANDY WARHOL'S DRACULA must be seen to be believed.

O.K., first of all, the film features a vast cast of foreign actors and English is a second language for all of them. And while it may seem dubbed at times, it’s not. The actors indeed do speak in English, but because of their tenuous grasp on the language, they speak slowly and extremely melodramatically, which only adds to the surreal tone of the film. The cast is led by the incomparable Udo Kier as Dracula (you’ll recognize him from such films as BLADE and ARMAGEDDON and countless other big budget movies). He may disagree, but as far as I’m concerned this is Udo Kier’s best work.

The story is as follows, and it’s a doozy: Count Dracula suffers from malaise, boredom and a general sense of ennui in Transylvania and decides to search the countryside for fresh virgin women. Or as he calls them “Weergens.” A great drinking game would be to watch this movie and do a shot every time Dracula screams, “I must have weergens!!!” Trust me, you will get wasted fast.

He eventually comes across a small town and finds a house full of three daughters, all represented by their parents to be virgins. Well, little do the parents know that not only are two out of the three not virgins, but instead full-on Slutty McSluttingtons. In fact, their trusty handy-man/gardener/servant is getting it on with the two oldest sisters, sometimes at the same time. Now do you understand why you go for the unrated version? I should add that the handyman is perhaps the least politically correct character on film, saying things like, "What about your little sister? I'd love to rape the shit out of her." His NOW membership card must have been lost in the mail.

All three sisters make a play for Dracula, since he's royalty and has money and is considered sexy, in that pale, psycho, vampiric sort of way. Yet, when he bites the two ho-bag sisters and finds that they are not virgins (“You are not a weeergen!!!!”), he goes into extremely violent spastic fits of vomiting. This puts Drac’s bulls-eye squarely on the youngest daughter, who the parents feel is too young to be married. She’s the only one, of course, who also forms an emotional connection with Dracula.

Adding to his obstacles is the handyman, with whom Dracula keeps getting into ideological Marxist vs. Keynesian arguments…I’m not kidding. The handyman is a Communist who wants to rid the world of all aristocracy. So for those of you just tuning in, so far the movie has vampires, sluts, virgins, and political theory debates. If it sounds a bit random, you have no idea.

As you can probably tell, this is a far cry from the original Dracula story. ANDY WARHOL’S DRACULA is in fact one of the most over-the-top horror movies you’ll ever see. Among the highlights are Dracula's right-hand man using a piece of bread as a sponge to soak up blood from the scene of a car accident in which a little girl (i.e., virgin) was killed. Not gross enough for you? Well then I won’t even bring up the scene in which Dracula, desperate for “weergen” blood, licks blood off the floor spilled from the recently-burst hymen of a girl who had sex for the first time. Ah, now you’re grossed out. Gotcha!

ANDY WARHOL'S DRACULA is ridiculous, hilarious, bloody, and quite sick. In other words, it has everything you could possibly want from a horror movie. A review cannot do this movie much justice, so don’t take my word for it, see this one for yourselves.

Rating: *** and a half (out of a possible 4).

Buy ANDY WARHOL'S DRACULA ON DVD

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