Absolute Horror: DO YOU WANNA KNOW A SECRET?

When I saw that this movie featured former child/teen star Joey Lawrence…oh, pardon me, Joseph Lawrence, I knew I should have stayed away. Yet its potential for sheer awfulness had me intrigued. Having seen it, I’ll tell you a secret: I would rather be tied up with my eyelids pulled back “Clockwork Orange”-style while sitting in front of a television that plays Blossom reruns on a continuous loop than have to suffer watching this movie ever again. I would even watch those episodes that were prefaced with “Next, on a very special Blossom”.

We set out to watch the worst movies imaginable with the sincere belief that every movie has some redeeming qualities. And many of them do. Unfortunately, this movie came perilously close to being devoid of any entertainment whatsoever, intentional or otherwise. However, as I’ll explain later, Joseph Lawrence and Joseph Lawrence alone saved this movie from the black hole.

Do you really wanna know the premise? One year following the murder of one of their friends (the killer left a message on a piece of paper that said “Do you wanna know a secret?”), six college students decide to go to a beach house for a little spring break fun. Do you wanna know a secret?/I know what you did last summer? Striking similarities so far...

So, the friends get there and surprise, surprise, people die and that stupid slogan is written in blood on the mirror, the shower curtain and every other place it was written in I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER. All these similarities and they couldn’t throw in the Jennifer Love “What are you waiting for!!!” cleavage shot? The killer in “Secret” wears a “Scream” mask and darts around in a black cloak like our friend from the Kevin Williamson flick. And when the secret is finally revealed, you just want to punch something because you just wasted 105 minutes of your life on a secret that is simply retarded.

This movie is never truly scary. Instead it just relies on a couple of “Boo!” moments combined with the shriek of a cello. Did I mention that the acting was B-A-D.? One character, an FBI agent, clearly graduated from the school of “bad-movie-cop-acting.” In his first scene, he leans up against the wall in a forced-cool manner and lights a cigarette as he asks a witness some questions. If that weren’t enough for “bad-movie-cop acting,” we’re later confronted with the actor who plays the local sheriff. When he and the FBI agent share a scene together, it’s mano-a-mano in a veritable “Worst Actor of the Century” competition. I call it a draw. I would tell you to watch it to reach your own conclusion, but I can’t recommend this movie to anyone.

Luckily, Joseph Lawrence’s performance is a comedic gem – especially since he’s trying so hard to give a dramatic performance. Remember, this is the guy who had to be called “Joey” in all of his television shows because he would forget to respond to his character’s name. First of all, this guy has done nothing but hit the weights since his “Whoa!” days. I guess he is trying to overcompensate for being that effeminate pretty boy from Blossom. Forget Major League Baseball, give Joseph a piss cup. Anyway, one of the funniest scenes comes when Joseph decides to use his kickboxing skills to beat up a couple of guys who are messing with his girl. It’s so poorly choreographed and so staged that it’s instant entertainment.

The main character is a blond girl who looks like a very poor man’s version of Reese Witherspoon, except she has an even more masculine jawline. She’s as boring as the rest of the characters, none of whom are even worth mentioning. I really hated this movie. I had to watch it in three separate sittings it was so bad. There wasn’t even nudity in this one. For shame!

Rating: 1/2* (out of four)

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