Absolute Horror: DRACULA 3000

We all love bad movies. I don’t care who you are: from the movie snob (“I will only watch movies from countries whose name I cannot pronounce”) to the film purist (“anything made after 1944 is crap”), we all are drawn to these guilty pleasures. Maybe it’s that feeling of empowerment (“Jeez I could have done better”) or maybe it’s just that innate desire to see a train wreck. We watch these films even though we know they suck donkey balls, but we still feel compelled to watch them when they are cable or even worse…we buy them on DVD. I love Jaws 3. I mean the idea of a shark attacking an amusement park balances that tight rope of brilliance and stupidity. And that’s why we love them; it’s the line that they almost cross that keeps us watching. Then there are those films that not only cross the line, but they have sniffed it and are looking to do a long jump over it. DRACULA 3000 is such a film.

It stars Casper Van Dien (the crown prince of direct to video), Tiny Lister, Coolio, Erika Eleniak - basically, a cast equal only to Woody Allen films. It’s set in outer space in the year 3000, which seems to be the thing to do with horror icons (I am going to write a werewolf movie set in a day spa, I’ll have him waxed to death). Casper is the leader of a deep space salvage team who come across a derelict space ship from the Carpathian system (oh now that is creativity). Well to make a long story short they all get trapped on the ship and are being attacked by the most atrociously Eurotrash Dracula I have ever seen. He’s wearing this gaudy purple outfit that would make Prince cringe and has an accent that makes me believe he went to the Yakof Smirnoff school of acting. Now when I say “attacked” I mean people disappear and then suddenly reappear as vampires. Dracula only appears in the film for a total of 10 minutes, so don’t blink because you may miss him. The only redeeming thing about this film is the appearance of Udo Kier (Guess he needed to make a car payment) who pops in at random times on a video screen and gives us updates on the past goings on.

The first time I saw this movie, I was high as a kite and I still thought it sucked (this is a sure sign of a bad flick; that even stoned you still have enough presence of mind to go “Christ this blows”). So I decided to watch it again (sober this time), because maybe I may have missed something or let some subtle nuance pass me by. What I should have let pass me by was this F’n film. There is not one likeable character. Casper’s leadership ability makes Gomer Pyle look like Horatio Hornblower. Erika’s smarmy attitude makes me long for the innocent sweet lady that jumped out of the cake in UNDER SIEGE. Tiny Lister's character is about to get sued for sexual harassment and Coolio is always looking for pot; now that’s what I call character development.

All in all this film is garbage with a capital GAR. The plot had potential - I mean Dracula in outer space may sound a tad goofy, but there is no sun so what’s to stop him? But they just didn’t know where to go with it. The acting makes you long for porn and just when you think it can’t get any worse they hit you with an ending that makes you want to drop ass-first onto a sword. I won’t give it away but most people who have seen this film always say the same thing in regards to the ending: “What the Hell??” What’s really shocking is that this is the same guy who directed CRY THE BELOVED COUNTRY, a very good film about South Africa. Dude what the hell happened?????? All I can say is: this film stinks to high heaven, it’s not even fun to watch because when you are done all you want is your time, your money and your soul back. Forgive them Bram, they know not what they do.

Rating: * (out of four stars)

Buy DRACULA 3000 ON DVD