Absolute Horror: RING OF DARKNESS

Let’s get right to it: the opening kill scene of RING OF DARKNESS features a kid being attacked and eaten by a crazed boy band. Yes, you read that correctly, a crazed BOY BAND. And then what plays over the opening credits? A montage featuring the boy band trying their best impression to imitate the Backstreet Boys. I should stop watching right now, shouldn’t I? Instead, I decide to put on the hard hat, punch my card and go to work…And work it is. I can say that, without a doubt, RING OF DARKNESS is the worst horror movie I have reviewed thus far.

The premise centers around a do-wop group from the 1960’s who died in a plane crash Buddy Holly-style, and have since been revived from the dead and channeled into Boy Band bodies. They lack a lead singer, so now they conduct a nationwide tour for their lead singer (kind of like American Idol, except the judges are zombies). What better segue way to inform you that Ryan Starr, the stripper-looking American Idol finalist from the first season of the actual FOX show is in this movie? Her performance in this movie is so horrible that Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini should hand over their “Worst American Idol actors awards” and smash Starr in the face with them.

WARNING! In the beginning of the movie, you have to watch over 10 minutes of auditions. Now, these auditions are painful, but in hindsight they are like a small needle prick compared to the massive kick in the balls that is the remainder of the movie. The three finalists fly out to the band’s exclusive Oceanside retreat for the final auditions. One of the finalists is a mole sent by a newspaper to uncover dirt on the band. Of course he is killed (I’m spoiling everything so you don’t go near this movie – trust me, it’s for your own good). Logic-check: this mole had been in constant contact with his editor. Will the police ever go looking for him after he disappears? Of course not!

So since the boy band is a group of zombies, every once and awhile parts of their faces fall off so they need to eat human flesh to keep that youthful look. That’s what groupies are for, right? Well, they do actually have some groupies - some pretty ugly ones at that and thankfully, they do feast upon them before the slutties get a chance to take off their clothes. You may not believe I just wrote that last sentence, but take my word for it, you haven’t seen these girls.

When they finally choose their new lead singer, they conduct a séance saying things like “Let our blood become one”. Starr comes in at the end with a crossbow to save her boyfriend. She shoots one of the boys, while the boyfriend unties himself and for no explained reason grabs some nearby voodoo dolls and throws them into the fire. Obviously throwing the voodoo dolls into the fire is the way to kill the zombie boy band, how silly of me. Not like that was EVER EXPLAINED BEFORE!

Please, please, please stay away from this movie. It single handedly can inspire suicidal thoughts in even the sanest people. This movie needs to be destroyed and Ryan Starr should be banished to porn. She is not ready to handle a real acting role just yet, unless that acting involves answering the door for a naughty pizza delivery guy.

Rating: 0 stars (out of 4 stars)

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