NIGHT OF THE DEMONS 2: ANGELA'S REVENGE

This sequel to the awful original NIGHT OF THE DEMONS is ranks up there with the GODFATHER PART 2 and EMPIRE STRIKES BACK as a sequel that improves upon the original.  I also defy you to find anywhere else in the world where NIGHT OF THE DEMONS 2 is compared to a GODFATHER film.   This movie fits into the perfect category in terms of bad horror movies: the zero-brain-power category. I mean, seriously, this movie really requires no thinking on your part at all.  Granted, most don't, but this one sets new standards.  Or, at least, lowers them.

POPCORN

Frequent readers know what suckers we are for tag lines.  With a tag line like, "Buy a bag, go home in a box," you can't go wrong.  Actually, that’s not true.  In fact, in most cases Opening Kill and I get suckered in by some great tag line and the movie turns out to be terrible.  That wasn’t the case for POPCORN, which is a tremendously entertaining b-horror exercise.  Is it scary?  Not in the least.  Is it preposterous?  Absolutely.   Will you have a good time?  Guaranteed.

JEEPERS CREEPERS 2

Okay, I got lazy and didn’t feel like heading to the video store, so instead I consulted the wise old sage named “Cinemax” for my horror flick fix. I found JEEPERS CREEPERS 2, which admittedly has a high budget considering the movies typically reviewed by this site. What a great tagline: “Every 23rd Spring for 23 days it gets to eat.” For some reason that line sounds cool. I know it prompts the question “Why every 23rd spring and Why for 23 straight days?” Think of the Creeper as those annoying Cicadas, except he waits an additional 6 years before gracing us with his presence. This also prompts the inevitable quagmire that future Creepers installments will take place so far in the future that characters will most likely fight the beast-man off with laser beams and photon guns. 

SLASH

When we set out to watch the worst horror movies imaginable, I thought I would be watching lots of those 80’s “so bad they’re good” types.  Recently, however, I have run into an entirely different beast: the decent production value, decently-shot, usually released post 1995, horribly written and devoid of any camp value whatsoever horror movie (you have to admit, that was an impressive run-on sentence).  Those are the types of movies that make this a job, instead of a hobby.  I feel like a garbage man sifting through a gigantic landfill, hoping to find treasure. Sometimes you get lucky, but more often than not, you find the banana peel (and the mushy, rotten variety at that).

BLOODY MURDER 2

The set-up: a summer camp staffed by young, randy camp counselors.  No actually campers in sight (they’re closing up for the summer).   A masked killer inexplicably terrorizes the camp.  Yes, you’ve got it, this is the movie that features that infamous killer…Trevor Moorehouse?  But of course, who were you thinking about?   If it strikes you that BLOODY MURDER 2 is a rip-off of another well-known horror series, you’re not wrong. In fact, it’s so blatant a rip-off at one point I expected the filmmakers to acknowledge it by having a character to say, “You know, that Trevor Moorehouse reminds me of Jason in the FRIDAY THE 13th movies.” They never go quite that far, but there is certainly plenty to keep your attention.

BLOOD SURF

The plot summary of this movie was enough to catch my attention: A giant saltwater crocodile wreaks havoc on some surfers. Combine that premise with the wonderful title of the movie, and the real question becomes: how could I NOT watch this one? BLOOD SURF gave me everything I was expecting: bad special effects, cheesy dialogue and some truly bad acting. And I had a lot of fun with this one. Wow, am I a masochist or what? Hey, some people like whips and chains, I like bad horror movies.  Pick your poison.

THE MANGLER

Once and awhile (or in this site’s case, quite frequently), a movie comes along whose premise is so ridiculous that you have to rent it.  If for no other reason, just because you want to see for your own eyes how such a ludicrous plot can sustain a movie for 90 minutes.  THE MANGLER, a film about (drumroll, please) a killer industrial laundry machine, clearly is one of those movies.  Based upon the Stephen King short story that is shorter than this review will be, someone rolled the dice on making this thing and to be honest, I am somewhat impressed with the result.

THE UNNAMABLE

THE UNNAMABLE is a true stinker.  So crappy.  So incredibly awful.  I am trying to find the words, but it’s hard.  This movie is almost unreviewable.   It’s unbelievable how unbearable THE UNNAMABLE is.  More? Um…it’s unenjoyable.  Unwatchable.  Okay, I’m tapped out. One of my buddies and I were initially attracted to this film in the video store for two reasons: 1) It has a really cool cover (I’m a sucker for a cool cover) and 2) it is supposedly based on a story by H.P. Lovecraft, which hinted at a bit of quality. Well, don't let either fact fool you the way we were fooled as this film is the definition of shoddy.  And while in many cases an extremely bad movie can be so bad that it’s humorous, we had no such luck with THE UNNAMABLE.

MONSTER DOG (a.k.a. LEVIATAN)

Contributed by our panelist member, The Heavy Breather.

I rented MONSTER DOG one year on New Years’ Eve when a group of friends and I decided we didn’t feel like going out and watching intelligent people we ordinarily love and respect burp the alphabet and knock each other down on the dance floor. It seemed like it could be a real winner. Let’s just say that the following New Year I went out in full force. Not only did I burp the alphabet, I was the alphabet. Witnesses tell me I freaked a man wearing a poncho on the dance floor and then puked on myself. Did the scarring memory of MONSTER DOG’S awfulness fuel this self-destructive debauchery? Let’s examine, shall we?

LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT

With all the hoopla surrounding Wes Craven, the alleged king of modern horror, I thought I'd take a stroll down memory lane into the past endeavors of Mr. Craven. So why not start at the beginning? His first, and still most controversial film, is LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT. A revenge tale which is oh, so 70s, this film is pretty much hated by most of the critical and sane world. However, it is interesting to note that Roger Ebert loved it and highly recommends the film. My conclusions were somewhat mixed, but maybe after I tell you a bit more of the plot you can decide if it’s something that appeals to you.   It probably will, you sick sick bastard…