HAPPY NEW YEAR

We here at Absolute Horror just wanted to wish everyone a healthy and happy New Year!  Lots more reviews coming and more great (or terrible) horror starting the first week of 2006. 

MASTERS OF HORROR (CIGARETTE BURNS) - A DRUNKEN TAKE

Amazing!   Entertaining!   Captivating!   These are three words that are rarely used in unison for movies reviewed on AbsoluteHorror.com.   But we have decided to review all of the episodes of the Masters of Horror series and thank the lord for that!  I have stumbled upon a true gem of a film – “Cigarette Burns” by John Carpenter.  This film, I venture to say, is the best in the series and an instant classic. 

MASTERS OF HORROR: CIGARETTE BURNS

Oh…my…God. Woah, what a seriously messed up piece of work this is. This episode of MASTERS OF HORROR is directed by John Carpenter, who doesn’t hold much back. After a few episodes of relatively light fun, CIGARETTE BURNS represents a return to nasty horror established by the very first episode of the series. While it doesn’t hold together quite as well, it more than satisfies the desires of anyone looking for some real gore. In fact, it goes beyond, leaving a disturbing and dank taste in the viewer’s mouth. This isn’t perfect, but it’s real horror.

LIFEFORCE

Everything but the kitchen sink.  It’s a phrase tossed around lightly.  But it’s no exaggeration to say that LIFEFORCE tosses everything in but the kitchen in an attempt to entertain you.  Actually, scratch that, it tosses everything including the kitchen sink.  By the time the movie is complete, you may have to watch it again just to verify that you actually saw what you just saw.  The movie is a mess of enormous proportions which I absolutely loved.  Any movie that tries this hard to entertain you deserves credit – and it’s not just A for effort, the movie actually succeeds at its mission.

TRILOGY OF TERROR 2

The creative minds behind everyone’s favorite TV-horror movie, TRILOGY OF TERROR, return with a sequel built around the same concept.  Three stories, each supposedly terrifying, but the only common thread between them is that they all ultimately fail in their purpose to scare.  The slight exception is the final story which resurrects the world’s most famous African Zuni-doll.   All in all, director Dan Curtis tries to coast on the reputation of the first film and comes up short.  At least this one goes a bit further in blood and guts, but not nearly far enough.

MASTERS OF HORROR (THE DEER WOMAN)

John Landis, director of such horror films as AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON and, well, um…AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON, gets his hand at the latest episode of MASTERS OF HORROR, entitled THE DEER WOMAN.   While not quite at the level of the earlier episodes, the show is an entertaining rebound from the disappointing HOMECOMING episode.   Using his trademark blend of horror and comedy, Landis whips up a fast-paced, mindless treat that continues the most important MASTERS OF HORROR tradition – the showcase of an unbelievably hot woman.

MASTERS OF HORROR (THE HOMECOMING)

Okay, I am sure you have an opinion as to President Bush’s handling of the war, the questions surrounding Iraq’s possession of WMDs and the, as of today, more than 2,000 lives that have been lost in the war.  Thankfully, we live in a free country and there are numerous venues where one can vent his or her frustration:  Dailykos.com, the New York Times Op Ed and Masters of Horror???  In HOMECOMING, director Joe Dante, takes us right down that road with an adaptation of a short story by Dale Baley in which the audience is cast into an eerily similar situation to the present day debacle:  The President has led the country into a war based on false WMD information and the vote for his reelection is less than three weeks away.

VAMPIRES: THE TURNING

I reviewed a movie yesterday for this site that was a departure for us in that it was actually a quality horror movie.  Well, for those craving a return to crap, welcome back in a big way.  VAMPIRES: THE TURNING, which is supposedly a sequel to John Carpenter’s VAMPIRES but has zero connection to it, is so mind-numbingly awful I almost didn’t know what to do with myself.  I mean, on one hand, I love terrible horror movies.  And a great deal of this movie was hilariously bad, but once that wore off it just got tedious.  A BLADE rip-off of the worst kind, VAMPIRES: THE TURNING should be re-named VAMPIRES: THE TURNING OF THE CHANNEL TO, WELL, ANYTHING ELSE.

THE CHANGELING

This site is dedicated to bad horror movies, without a doubt.  But once and awhile comes along a movie you expect to be bad, but ends up taking you by surprise.   I expected THE CHANGELING to be an early 80s cheese-fest.   A low-budget haunted house movie from Canada featuring George C. Scott cashing a rent check? I mean, who would expect quality out of that?  Well, with the exception of a relatively cheesified ending, quality is what I got out of THE CHANGELING.  In general, I love, I mean, love haunted house movies. Two of my favorite movies are the original, black-and-white films THE HAUNTING and THE INNOCENTS.  Unfortunately, very few films come close to being as scary as those. Far too often they must reveal every secret and show every ghost.  THE CHANGELING does indeed reveal many of its secrets, but it somehow manages to remain genuinely frightening.