When Showtime announced their Masters of Horror series, I have to admit that I was very skeptical. I expected thirteen poorly acted, not scary and boring episodes. Luckily for fans of horror, the Masters of Horror episodes thus far have run the gamut. There have been great episodes like Incident on and Off a Mountain Road and Cigarette Burns to the truly awful Jenifer. This episode is actually worse than JENIFER as it lacks nudity and manages to hit the trifecta of poor acting, terrible writing and a boring premise. Seriously, you might consider watching a movie on the Hallmark channel before you sit down for this one.
The movie centers on a 13 year old gorgeous blond named Tara (don’t worry, she is older than Tara Reid in real life so you can look) who, for some reason is ridiculed at her Connecticut high school. Don’t you love those movies where a girl who looks like Amy Smart gets made fun of in school with no explanation? Where are all the 13-year-old boys trying to get in her pants? But I digress. So, the movie starts out solidly (first ten minutes) as Tara walks home through the woods, is stalked and hit by a van, and finds herself in a hospital bed in Vermont. Judith, the nurse, played by Lori Petty, explains to Tara that the hospital found her on the side of the road. When Tara calls her mother to tell her that she had been abducted, her mother in what was probably intended to be a drugged out haze says that she will talk to her later. Wow, that was a pretty lazy move by the writer. Oh well…
Judith then proceeds to ask some strange questions “Are you a virgin?” “Have you been baptized?” Tara freaks out and before you know it, Judith and her husband throw Tara down into their basement. The movie was decent until this point, but oh what a slippery slope. While in the basement, Tara encounters a mute named Johnny who, like the rest of the cast, save the husband, is just a bad actor. Unfortunately for the audience, Johnny relays the rest of the plot either by drawing words in the sand with his stick or by acting it out Pictionary-style. “What’s that Johnny, you’re dead? And your parents need to sacrifice someone to bring you back to life?” Unfortunately, that is the gist of the plot and I won’t apologize for spoiling it because I know in my heart that your 50 minutes will be better spent elsewhere.
The acting in this movie is atrocious. Who knew that Petty’s acting ceiling would be her role as the little sister in League of Their Own? Also, the writer really just phoned it in. He relied on flashbacks that had dialogue that was taken straight from “Wooden Dialogue Weekly” and having Johnny’s mumbles reveal the rest of the plot like Lassie’s distress barks is just sad. In fact, the writer’s laziness provided the only humor in this piece of garbage.
Okay, so we have clearly established that the Masters of Horror series is hit or miss. Fair Haired Child was a serious miss. I will even say that it is worse than Jenifer, which before this review was my choice for worst episode of the series. Let’s hope we don’t have to give the title to any of the remaining episodes.
RATING: * (out of four)
i think this episode was absolutley amazing. the actors were all good. and i love the little monster that johnny turns into, even if it is creepy and made me have nightmares.again, i think this was the best Master Of Horrors i have ever seen :)
Posted by: Carime | April 24, 2006 at 12:40 AM
Hi, this one is very great, i didnt see any other, but i dont like horror movies at all, but i saw this one yesterday night @ the movie channel, and i really liked it.. it was 4 am and i still finished the movie !
Posted by: Wilson | July 22, 2006 at 07:17 AM
In comparison to the other episodes, this one isn't so great. At first the story seems to be well developed until Jonny turns into that funny little thing - I thought it was a bit random, what's the concept behind that character!!?? that's pretty much it, I had no problem with the acting in film.
My favourite episode of Masters of Horror would probably be cigarette burns & Sick Girl
Posted by: theRiff | November 03, 2006 at 03:20 PM
Speaking of poor writing....
Nice review!
Posted by: Mumbly Joe | December 12, 2006 at 02:05 AM
What the hell?
i thought this movie was wicked!
even thought johnny did turn into that strange little creature.
aren't GOOD reviews meant to be a two sided argument?
theres like one point that barely congratualates this piece.
and to be honest,
I LOVED IT!
Posted by: Ace | May 02, 2007 at 06:41 PM
I thought the guy who played Johny was a great actor. He has such a cute desperation about him. Plus I think he's fit. I'm trying to find out who he is so I can add him to my LHSA list (Less heard of Shagable Actors)
TA TA
P.s: FIT FIT FIT FIT...FIT
Posted by: Beth | May 03, 2007 at 10:31 AM
Thought this episode was one of the beste - even if you really knew what was going on after...hm, lets say 20 minutes. But the story was good anyway!
So, guys, by the wy...I've got a question, maybe someone can anwer it. Is anyone of you able to remember what song the parents did play on their instruments just before the end? Can't remember which classical composer it was. So if one of you could tell me - this would be really great! thanx
Posted by: Shaznay | January 01, 2008 at 02:41 PM
this episode was fucking amazing!the person who rote that about this episode should be pimped slaped or somethin this is rediculouse!this was a fuckin amazing episode
Posted by: valary | January 07, 2008 at 10:03 PM
i think this episode is great. like the acting and the plot. i also like the second episode of the first season
to shaznay: the composer of the music was Johann Sebastian Bach
Posted by: becky | June 14, 2008 at 09:47 AM
sorry i was confused. The composer was Brahms
Posted by: becky | June 15, 2008 at 04:35 AM
Thanks for the info, Becky! :) Really couldn't remember...
Posted by: Shaznay | July 25, 2008 at 04:03 PM