DIARY OF A CANNIBAL

Well, folks, you've walked into a real doozy this week.  You've walked into the midst of me about to unchain a mass of hyperbole the likes of which you have not seen from me, at least not since the last time I took on a movie from the new German wonder of the godawful movie realm.  No, not Uwe Boll--but rather a man so reprehensible, so vile, and so utterly unworthy of a budget to make films that he is now the new topper of my personal video store shit list:  Ulli Lommel.  And the newest pile of steaming cinematic crapola brought to us by this crime against video store patrons, DIARY OF A CANNIBAL, is basically eighty minutes of flashbacks and assorted revelations on the way to yield just one central theme.  One day, a girl named Noelle Scanlon killed her boyfriend and ate his heart.  At his request.

Yeah.

That's it.

"I killed my boyfriend and ate his organs because he really, really wanted me to."

And this is an eighty minute movie.

Is anyone actually watching Ulli Lommel's ridiculous torture-porn fantasies any more besides us poor bastard critics whose job it is to tear hell out of this asshole's work every time he puts up yet another waste of DVD plastic on our shelves?  I hope not.  Earnestly.  I hope that everyone who pokes their browser and points it in my direction is taking my warnings about a cinematic schlockmeister so unadulteratedly lousy he would no doubt make even Uwe Boll blush in shame.

All of Ulli Lommel's classic problems are well in evidence here in DIARY OF A CANNIBAL.  His work is, as a rule, slow in pace, badly disjointed, continually repetitive, and of course packed with enough pointless (and often poorly rendered) gore to make any kind of enjoyment impossible.  For some reason, he has also decided to pack his movie with occasionally accurate Bible quotes, and frankly, starting off a movie about cannibalism with the quote from Jesus Christ that goes "He who eats my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him" is a perfect example of the kind of vaguely blasphemous and utterly juvenile nanner-nanner that Lommel is constantly chucking at his audience. Perhaps even better is the inclusion of stock footage of lambs at a slaughterhouse being visibly torn open and rendered following one of the quotes.

Worse, his dialogue is purely godawful--upon meeting each other for the first time, Noelle and future lunch Adam, who had been previously chatting over the Internet for some undetermined length of time, exchange the following:

"I'm Adam."  "Hi, Adam.  I'm Noelle."

Verbatim.

Wow.  What's the matter, Ulli--lose your German / English phrase book?

But frankly, in this case, it's almost okay that Lommel can't write dialogue to save his life.  He didn't include very much of it!  Entire stretches will go by without so much as a word spoken; one is forced to wonder if Lommel was paying his actors by the word and was running out of money after blowing the five bucks to option that slaughterhouse footage.  Of course, when you've included such opulent sets as a warehouse and a hospital that looks very much like a warehouse, you probably didn't have that much cash to begin with.

The ending is a series of flashbacks to events that did not happen in the film, a beating, and a series of childhood photos of Noelle and future lunch.  Oh, and apparently, Lommel was so utterly bereft of ways to waste investors' money that he had to plunder the news to dig this garbage up--DIARY OF A CANNIBAL is allegedly based on a true story.

The special features include English and Spanish subtitles, a commentary track, and trailers for THE LOST ROOM, BENEATH STILL WATERS, GAMEBOX 1.0, RANCID, ALIEN INVASION ARIZONA and DIARY OF A CANNIBAL.

All in all, avoid Ulli Lommel movies.  At all costs.  They will be utter wastes of money, not worth even a rental.  The sooner we stop watching him, the sooner he will go away.

RATING: No Stars

Comments

[Carla]

What a stupid stupid movie!!! I know I only paid $5 to rent it, but man!!! I wish I'd have saved that five bucks instead.

I don't think I've ever fallen asleep watching a movie. (Besides 'Gigli' or something like that with Ben Affleck and Ms. J Lo. I actually turned it off after watching it for 5mins.)

Anyway, back to this movie, (if it's even worth it to call it a 'movie').I pity the actors/actresses that were in this movie. Their careers as one are ruined!!!

this is the most ridiculous movie ever, may ulli lommens career be ruined and may his actors never find credible jobs.
4 as many of us that spent our money to rent this nonentity of a movie, is ay tahe heart.
And i should probably sue HOLLYWOOD VIDEOS, for putting this movie on the top of the line chart, besides outstanding movies like freedon writers, pursuit of happiness, etc.
the cover of this trash of a movie is also very deceptive, so 4 those of u who are think/say-ing that we must av been stupid to rent it, tank ur stars we are giving the heads up first.

[Amanda]

I can't believe i thought it would be a good movie. I rented movies for me and my sister to watch and the cover looked good so i got it. That just goes to show that what our grandmothers said about not judging a book (or movie!) by it's cover is so true.

That was such a complete waste of money i wish someone would have warned me.

[Ginger]

I regretfully join this list of unfortunates who rented this movie. I have also been revoked of my Netflix privileges by my husband. I actually watched about half of this movie and then started using the scene selection option to skip through. Even then I did not watch the ending. I could not get over how repetative this movie is! I'm saddened by the loss of an hour to my life that I can never get back.

[Molly]

I wish I would have found this link first instead of renting that piece of shit movie now I am out five dollars and about an hour of my life. How was even allowed to be released. Don't let the whole German thing ruin one's idea abour cinema, I'm German and telling you there are much better horror films than this. I just hope the poor sucker who rents/is thinking about renting this movie reads this first. NOT WORTH IT! PUT IT BACK AND RENT SOMETHING LIKE.......THE THING! It was made in the fifties and still better than this.

[jeremy]

lol. i did a lil research and found the "actor's" myspace.
http://www.myspace.com/trevor_parsons
http://www.myspace.com/llian

[Melissa Taylor]

I just wasted a hour an a 1/2 of my life watching this crappy movie!! It sucked!! Good thing it was 2 of 2$ night at the movie store!! I would have been really mad if I spent more then that on this TRASH!!!!

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I OWN this movie, having bought it for $2 at a discount warehouse. I was about half way through it as my boyfriend got up and went to go to his nightshift job. He asked what it was like, and my response was "like a bad 80s porno with repeated footage, loops, unwarranted slow-mo, mystifying cutaways and crap dialogue". He went to work happy. I watched to the end. I am going to give it to someone I hate for xmas.

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