BENEATH STILL WATERS

Okay, everybody remain calm.  This is a Brian Yuzna movie, and that means one of two things.  It will be either amazing, or it will be godawful.  There are no mediocre Brian Yuzna movies that I know of, yet, so brace yourself.  And what Yuzna sets out for us this time looks fairly familiar.  The village of Marienbad in northern Spain has had a whole lot of unpleasant stuff going on in it (if you're thinking DAGON at this point you're in good company -- I sure did, and it scared me half to death). But anyway, the Spanish government is about to flood the village and surrounding valley, sealing the evil away under several million gallons of water.

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DORKS

So this week, we've got a new entry into the category of "pathologically screwed-up horror by nation".  Japan no longer holds the title all by its onesies, folks...oh no.  Japan's old buddies the Germans have thrown their hat in that ring, and have done so in grand style.  Presenting NIGHT OF THE LIVING DORKS, a production that alternates wildly between cringe-inducing awkwardness (no one, no one, should have to listen to their mother describe how their father handled HIS morning wood issues, and certainly no one else should be subjected to it either) and uproarious comedy.

DIARY OF A CANNIBAL

Well, folks, you've walked into a real doozy this week.  You've walked into the midst of me about to unchain a mass of hyperbole the likes of which you have not seen from me, at least not since the last time I took on a movie from the new German wonder of the godawful movie realm.  No, not Uwe Boll--but rather a man so reprehensible, so vile, and so utterly unworthy of a budget to make films that he is now the new topper of my personal video store shit list:  Ulli Lommel.  And the newest pile of steaming cinematic crapola brought to us by this crime against video store patrons, DIARY OF A CANNIBAL, is basically eighty minutes of flashbacks and assorted revelations on the way to yield just one central theme.  One day, a girl named Noelle Scanlon killed her boyfriend and ate his heart.  At his request.